My New Years Resolutions 2017

Ah, it’s a new year and with starting a new year comes people making plans or goals on how they want to better themselves. They look back at the past year and say whether it did good to them or whether it did poorly, they swear that this year is “their year” and that nothing but good will come their way. I would lke to say that I have never been a big “new year, new me” person. I pretty much accept who I am and what I will become in the next year. I try not to dwell on the past but to always try to look on the future and what it may hold. However, I fall more often than I would like to admit on that but who doesn’t? This year though I want to make goals, not because I had a bad year last year and I am trying to turn my luck around but because I feel as if I am stagnant. I want to move forward, not only in my personal life but in my spiritual life and in my relationships. So, I thought I would start by getting back in the groove of my blog and let y’all in on my plans. That way you can also hold me accountable if I fail.

First off, and this is probably the most important one, I want to pray more and study more of Gods word. I have been lacking the fire I once had for my relationship with God and I am ashamed. I have nothing or no one to blame for my unfaithfulness but myself but I am fighting for it back. You never realize what the devil can do until you let your guard down and heimg_0293 slips in without you realizing until it is almost too late. This is one change that needs to happen to save myself from becoming someone who is bitter, lazy, ungrateful, selfish, unworthy, crass, & hateful. Just the thought of being that person makes me sad. I pray that as I run back to the arms of God with my heart in my hands that He will take every unclean  and unholy thing out and replace it with everything that is clean and holy to his name.

My second goal is to try new things, as in food wise, and drink more water. I NEVER, and I mean never, try new foods. wherever we go to eat it is always at the same places and I always order the same thing. My husband is always teasing me because I have always said I am a picky eater but I never even try and taste anything.  I also NEVER drink water. It is always Dr. Pepper or some other form of carbonated beverage. I don’t want to go as far as cutting it completely out because I know I will fail and then go right back to not drinking water at all so, my goal is to atleast try and drink more and go from there.

I love to write and read but the last few years I have been doing very little of both. I pretty much watch tv or scroll through social media during my free time and it is bugging me. This is why I am starting to blog again. I may not have anything important to say or have a lot of followers but I enjoy it. This also goes along with my other goal and that is to not be so involved with social media as much (facebook, instagram, & snapchat). I want to be able to keep those things because I do see the benefits in having them, I really enjoy seeing my friends and families pictures and what is going on in their lives and I do have a lot of family around the U.S. But, I have caught myself really wasting a lot of time just staring at my phone for nothing important. I don’t want to become a mom who misses out because she chose to look down rather than at her children.

I have been having to bounce myself back to this one alot of times and I am having to do it again and that is to stop worrying about what others think or feel about decisions I make in my life. Some call it being a pushover, and that is pretty much correct. Anytime someone is unhappy with something I try and fix it, or change it in some way that they can be happy and most of the time its something I never wanted to happen. I make decions and let others’ opinions change my mind because I am so worried of what they think about me. It is horrible to admit but it’s the truth. It hurts me to know that someone dislikes me, or is unhappy with me. I mean eats me up inside and I wish I knew why. I wish I wasn’t that way. So, today I am  telling myself that no longer will I worry about what others think. That I will do what I think is best for me and my family and not to let others’ opinions effect my decision.

I would also like to stop procrastinating. I have gotten so bad at just letting things get piled up so high that it takes so much time to get done that I miss out on spending quality time with my children and relaxing. It is so hard to not have an all day lazy day with the kids and watch nothing but netflix and eat nothing but junk food and not change out of you pajamas. If I could do one or two things a day, and finish then I woudnt stress and worry that nothing is getting done and it wont take up so much time. I do realize almost every mom has this problem whether you work or stay home its always hard to get the right schedule for your family. It’s so annoying.

My last goal is to try and do a good deed every month. Not because I want to feel good about myself or to boast to others about what I did but because I know how good it feels to be blessed with a good deed and I want to be able to bless others. I also want to teach my children that giving to others is better than recieving. It doesn’t have to be alot or extravagant but it has to come from the heart. Now, I don’t know who it will be whether it will be in my family or a complete stranger but I know God will put this person on my heart every month and I am so excited to see how He will use me.

I really hope I complete all these goals but if I don’t I just want to know that I did complete getting closer with God. That is all that matters. In closing, I hope you all have a blessed year and that you complete all of your goals you set for yourself and that God blesses you all.

-CW

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And then there was three.

So. yes. I am expecting my third child in July. No, it wasn’t planned. We knew we wanted to have more but with Lorelai’s condition we were not wanting to have them this soon. But, obviously God had other plans. As with the first two I had no idea or inclination that I might be pregnant. A friend of mine came over and told me to take a test, and low and behold it came back with a “+” sign.

We had just moved into our little 3 bedroom, 2 bath rental and our life was chaos. Most of our stuff was still in boxes, and I was so incredibly busy with Lorelai’s appointments and schedule that I was too exhausted to do too much during the weekday when husband was working. So, it took us months to get everything unpacked and put away. In fact I think I still have a couple of boxes put away for later, and some stuff still at my parents house that I keep avoiding.

I told my family immediately. There is always that nervousness when I tell them I am pregnant because I wonder what they will think, but when I told them that I was expecting the third time around they weren’t really shocked about it. Of course, they were concerned about how the baby will come out what with everything we went through with Lorelai but there was no bad emotions towards it. If there was I had no idea about it.

Now with other people I know there was some “talk”. There always is. But I know a lot of people was thinking “why would you even take that chance considering what you been through?” or whatever similar thoughts. Nobody had said anything to me personally, thank God, but I know there were some people out there who didn’t “approve” and that’s okay. I don’t live this life for those around me to approve of my lifestyle or actions. and I don’t say that in an ugly matter I am just saying that as a fact. The only person I should be approved by is my husband, and my God. As long as they are okay with what I am doing then I don’t see why it is anyone else’s business. Was I scared to death? of course and still am. Do I know what I am going to do if this baby has heart issues as well? No, not a clue. But I know I have a HUGE support team and I have a lot of faith that God will give me that strength to fight through it. I have done it before. I can do it again. It wasn’t planned and no we were very selfish on our parts for not taking the percautions not to get pregnant again but we can’t go back now and looking back I don’t think I would change anything if I had the chance. I love this baby just as much as I love my two girls.

I am now 25 weeks pregnant and so far everything is looking healthy. The heart included. The baby is a boy, and he is VERY active. This go around has been tremendously easier than with my girls. I was sick for a very short period in the beginning but not as bad as I was with my last two, and I was tired like with the others but right now I am fine. No aches, no pains, I can eat pretty much anything and right now I can eat as much as I want without being miserable. I don’t have really big cravings I just will think of something every now and then and can’t stop thinking about it until I eat it. But, so far it’s been easy.

His name will be Owen Daniel Warren. My husband picked out Owen and I paired it with Daniel after my step father who recently passed. I wasn’t sold on it at first but I ended up giving up the fight since I named our girls with his little to no say in the matter. However, I don’t know if I will call him by his first name. I may give him a nickname. But, that will come when I see his precious face for the first time. I can not wait for that moment. It will never get old holding a newborn in your arms for the first time. It is the most beautiful moment in the entire world. I know those who have experienced it can agree on that.

I hope you all have a beautiful week. God bless,

-CW

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“why God did it have to be this?” [blessing looked at as a mistake]

Do you often find yourself asking God for a change and then when he does do something you go back and ask him why he did that? Well lately that has been me. I will admit I am one to beg God for something new and then criticize his work. Silly me.

For over 6 years my husband has worked for the same company. Before we were even together he started and he managed to stay after all those years with little pay raise & absolutely no promotions. My husband is a hard worker, he doesn’t mind hard labor, in fact I think he prefers it. So, he had every right to get something better. and he did.

After a lot of prayers from not only myself, but I am sure him as well as other family and friends he got a job offer that we thought had already came and went after we moved into our home & found out we were expecting. We were planning on moving to hopefully find better income for our family in a whole other state. But as soon as we made attempts to move my husband got a call asking him if he was still interested in the job and that could he get down to Louisiana by Monday (this was Saturday.) Of course we said yes, and he went. But soon after I began to complain and whine to my husband.

My husband now works for a piping company based out of Louisiana, we live in Mississippi. His week starts Monday and goes through Thursday, sometimes. He leaves Sunday afternoon to get settled in the hotels and I don’t see him again until Thursday nights sometimes Friday mornings. But, here lately its been two weeks at a time I don’t see him and he still only is home for two and a half days. This is not what I signed up for, at least that is what I keep telling him and God.

I am still angry, and alone. But I think I am beginning to see God move. For one this job is paying more than his last job and there is more than one way to get raises. We are able to afford things we never thought we would be able to do. And with my crazy dreams and ambitions this job will not only give me that but more. I feel God asking me “is this not what you asked for?” no, this is more than I asked for. Yes, he is gone all the time but I know it doesn’t have to be permanent. We can always move closer so he can come home every night. But, right now we don’t think God is calling us there. ‘where is he calling us to?’ To be honest, I have no idea.

My prayer from now on is for God to work on my heart to break down this callous I put on my own heart first so I can be more supportive in my husband and God himself. I have fallen oh, so far where my faith was that it is taking me a little bit to get back up and dust myself off. But, Thank God I am able to do so.

Have you been seeing yourself falling away from your faith because you are questioning His ways? Please know that you are not alone & I pray that you turn back to Him before you fall too far to miss his blessing that you may see as a burden.

God bless,

-CW

Related Scriptures

  •  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.- Isaiah 55:8 NIV
  • For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.- Jeremiah 29:11
  • And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.- Romans 8:28

 

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Hello again.

It’s been awhile since I have blogged for you guys.  190 days to be exact. A lot has happened and a lot has changed. Husband and I finally moved into a house of our own, and shortly after we found out that we are expecting our third baby! Then not long after that my husband got a new job. Everything is looking up for us. I won’t dive into the details of each in this blog due to it being A LOT of information. I just wanted to come back and tell you all how much I have missed writing. It is hard to explain other than it being like losing touch with a life long friend. This isn’t new to me though, I always fall in riffs of not writing when I start. I don’t mean to I just get busy, or moody, or just plain lazy.

I almost lost it today. My sanity. I don’t know what triggered it, or why I just felt incredibly tired and low all of a sudden. I blame some of it on the pregnancy but there is something laying low, for now, I can just feel it. I haven’t had many bad days with this pregnancy, nothing like my past ones, besides the usual exhaustion in the first trimester. I wish I had a better explanation for it. All I could do was text my husband to call me when he could and even then I didn’t know what to say besides I am tired. So, I decided before it gets worse I should try and write again. I hope you all missed me just as much as I missed you guys.

I guess for now I will let you go. Talk to you soon,

 

-CW

Posted in Anxiety, anxiety attacks, Blog, life, mental health, mental illness, New blogger, Newbie, Panic attacks, wife | 2 Comments

God blesses me everyday. Do you see your blessings?

We are finally home. FINALLY!

For those of you who are now just finding my blog here is a little update; My daughter has multiple heart defects that was not diagnosed until she was four months old and we were far away from home visiting family. We almost lost her, scariest moment of my life. She had RSV & because the doctors didn’t know about her defect they pumped so much oxygen through her little body that it was making her heart work too hard and she went into heart failure, & collapsed a lung. They finally found out that she had a hole the size of a baseball in the middle of her heart and was life flighted to the children’s hospital closest to them. After 5 months of staying in the hospital, one surgery to hold her off until the big surgery, & a g-tube insertion we went to stay with some of my family until further plans.

We finally were able to come home and not soon after she got sick again and the doctors said they would have to repair her heart because there was more than what the original diagnoses was. She ended up having another surgery on September third. After not doing well with that because it caused another hole to grow bigger and cause other issues, they had to go in through heart cauterization and fix it. After days and weeks of healing and moving forward she is finally home!

Now, in a past post I was saying how scared I was and how overwhelmed I was with everything. I wish I would have known now. I thought after surgery she would be on less medicine, that she would be “healthy”. But, instead we came home with eight medicines, we are on Oxygen, and we are still not eating by mouth. I didn’t expect to come home on no meds or eating like normal but I was not expecting being on more than what we were use to. She wasn’t on oxygen at home before and that bummed me out real bad when they said she would have to be on it coming home. & the meds.. i cannot tell you how overwhelming it is to make sure she gets the right dosages three times a day everyday..

Please don’t get me wrong, because I am very thankful to have her alive and moving forward. But, I wanted to note that before when I was stressed and sad I wasn’t dealing with as much as I am now. Sure, I had surgery to worry about but now that that is done I wanted to breath. To start our new lives stress free. But, God is really showing me that I am stronger than what I think I am.

There are days when I could cry all day.. Days where I am so overwhelmed that I want to just walk out the door and not come back. But I am reminded every morning that God has this. That he is taking care not only of my Baby Lorelai but of myself and my entire family. I don’t know the future challenges I might face some day but I know that with this challenge I am in I will stand firm in his name.

I am honest to myself, I am scared. I am nervous. & I wish this was better than it is. But I can’t dwell on that. I have to think about the good. Lorelai is alive, and even though she needs a little help (half a liter of O2) she is breathing on her own. She is learning new things everyday and for that I am celebrating. Next month on the 19th we will be celebrating her 1st birthday. Even though she wont be like most 1 year olds she will thrive and move mountains. I believe whatever she is going through now will make her into a beautiful, strong willed, and confident woman. I believe God will use her in ways I would have never expected – she already has. I thank you all for reading, praying, and keeping up with my story. And for those Heart moms who have already been through it, thank you for being patient with my tantrums and my constant complaints.

I hope God has shown you how blessed you are today,

-CW

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Who Am I?

IMG_4058Somewhere in my life I have lost who I truly am. I can’t really write how weird that is to actually put down because for the longest time I have been thinking this but not really accepting it. Yes, I know I am a mom, a wife, a child of God, & a daughter to great parents who taught me how to be the best person I can be. But I believe there comes a time in life where you ask yourself “who am I?” — or maybe it’s just me.

I have realized, & thought really hard, that I don’t do things for me. And before you say I am thinking selfishly you’re not getting it and this probably isn’t the blog you should be reading. But anyways, I tend to do things that people think I should do rather than something I enjoy, or if I know something is going to “rock the boat” I shy away from it even if it is something I really want to do. It’s never anything illegal, or self incriminating but if someone disagrees I don’t do it at all because I never want anyone to think badly of me or criticize me. I also do things a lot just out of the goodness of my heart, If I know it’s going to benefit someone else I will do it just because of that.

I have always thought of myself as a strong-willed, independent, & someone with a backbone. Gosh, I am far from it. I am these things only when it comes to my children or when someone I love needs that to be me. I am never like that for myself, when I need it. For once I want to do something that I want to do, and not have a care in the world what others thought. For I don’t know how long I have tried to convince everyone, including myself, that I didn’t care what others thought. But, boy was that a big FAT lie! I am terrified of others thoughts of me.

I want to be selfish for once. But I don’t think that will ever happen. I understand now why people my age usually do drugs, drink, & go crazy because they are only trying to figure out who they are deep down inside and not what others say they are. When I think about who I want to be there is just so much. I want to be kind, generous, shy, & someone everyone likes; but then on the other hand I want to be a little selfish, funny, out-going, & not having a care in the world what others thing with a little rebelliousness. I want to have fun. To enjoy life to it’s fullest, but how can I when I am terrified? It makes me question so much of my life.

-CW

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The BIG Exhale.

IMG_3076At the beginning of this year I have been holding this large breath of air in my lungs. With my lungs starting to ache from fighting to keep it in, then feeling my face turn red then blue, & my thoughts going completely dark from the dizziness of it all I am finally able to let my lungs empty and go back to working the way they should. In calm steady breaths.

My heart warrior, Lorelai Honor, is over the biggest hurdle of her fight. September 3, 2015 was her heart surgery to repair her AV canal defect (ASD & VSD). She is recovering like a champ & I couldn’t be more proud. We were concerned a little because she still has multiple holes left & the doctors were not sure if repairing the AV canal would end up making her other holes worse but so far everything looks great. We are thinking they will have to go back and fix the other defects but it won’t be a critical surgery like the one we just had done. I can only give God the glory on this one.

For months I have been in the dark hole filled with nothing but the company of poisonous thoughts, bitter words, & anger. But my God has been nothing but faithful once again when I didn’t deserve it. Instead of holding on to his promise and love I held on to my anger and bitterness, I held on to my selfishness of what I wanted and expected him to do what I thought was best. But with the voice like a child he whispered into my heart he loves me and healed my broken heart along with my child’s.

Right now I can only praise Him for who he is; a loving, kind, forgiving, healing father. Looking back at myself I am disgusted & embarrassed at the lack of faith I had. I thought I would never be that poor of a servant again, but boy was I wrong. I strongly believe God takes every circumstance in life to make you a better child of God, & this was one of those life lessons that I am so very thankful he pulled me through.

I pray that this has touched your heart in some kind of way. That if you are in complete darkness that you will find hope in my story and have faith that God will get you through this storm. Whatever it may be.

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;  his mercies never come to an end; they are new  every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Psalms 91:4 He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will  find refuge; his faithfulness is  a shield and buckler.

God Bless,

-CW

Posted in being joyful, being thankful, bible, Blog, celebration, CHD, Children, Congenital heart defect, daughter, encouragement, exhale, faithful, faithfulness, God, Health, heart kid, heart mom, heart warrior, lamentations, life, New blogger, Parent category, patience, psalms, surgery, thankful, thanks | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lack of inspiration & time.

If you have read my last blog you would see that it wasn’t very happy. I have been struggling a lot lately. and I am still struggling. I want to sound optimistic and happy but how can I when I am feeling the complete opposite? plus, I feel as if my inspiration for writing has flown out the window. So, todays post will be an update on my life.

We have not received word yet when our heat warriors surgery will be. She had a heart cath on the 21st to check the pressures & take pictures to see what exactly they are facing. Turns out there are multiple holes in the lining of the lower heart muscle & they are not sure how they will repair the second VSD. They said they will explain when the cardiologist has talked to the surgeons & another cardiologist. She is a special case and they want to make sure they are doing what is best for her. She is doing good though. Gaining weight, & working on sitting up! Which is very exciting! I may be struggling but I see the small things everyday that make me smile. & that is definitely something to be happy about.

My oldest girl, Austin, started her first dance class last week and she loves it. However, she won’t show anyone what she learned besides the name of her new friend. I made sure we went through with putting her in dance this year because I feel like she has been forced to grow up and pushed to the side due to her younger sisters health problems. I have noticed some days her attitude isn’t her usual and practically begs me and her dad to lay with her or “hold her”. This is abnormal for her because she is my independent one. She can play by herself for hours and not want to be touched when me and her father want to love on her.

We may not be a busy family, going to and fro all the time (aside from doctor appointments) but keeping on schedule, having family time, & getting the necessary sleep we need keeps us pretty occupied. I wish I had more time and inspiration to write. I miss it. & I miss you guys.

God bless.

-CW

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No longer the strong one.

I am no longer that strong one.

I’m scared. Petrified, would be the best way to describe my emotions right now. We will be finding out when our Lorelai will be having surgery for her full heart repair. I keep telling myself that “This is great! we can finally move on to normal lives after!” But I can’t get over this fear. It is taking over my thoughts. I try to explain my feelings but then I hear “she will do great. She’ll bounce back quick.” come out of someone’s mouth and then not only fear but anger takes over. How can someone try to comfort someone else when they have no idea the details of what goes into heart surgery, or when they have healthy children and they have never had to hold down their child for the nurse to get a needle in a vein inside their child’s head, yes their head. I know they mean well. I just can’t deal with it right now. So, for now I just stay silent and nod my head as if I am taking in what they are saying.

I know I should have brighter thoughts, but right now I can’t. I dread the worst. I think the worst scenarios. “What if she goes into cardiac arrest again?” or worse “what if she doesn’t make it when they try to revive her?” constantly replaying in my head all. day. long. I try to stay positive, really hard. I paste a smile on my face in the morning and do what my list consists of doing that day while staying on the feeding and med schedule. Some days I realize I haven’t even took the time out of the day just to snuggle with her. Then I feel worse.

I am tired.. Exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I have no other emotions running through me so by the time 9pm hits I want nothing other than closing my eyes and praying for a different day when I wake up – that never happens. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my daughters, husband, and our life we have but right now at this moment I am so overwhelmed.

I am usually the strong one. The “get up, we can do this” attitude. But, not anymore. I think it has finally stripped away at my happy, my go with the flow, excited attitude and only left dread, fear, anxiety, doubt, dark & lonely thoughts, and everything else negative, I thought I have overcame when I was 19 years old. I try to cling to my faith but right now all I am searching for is some understanding. Someone to know exactly what I am going through. Someone who is fighting CHD along with me and my girl.

-CW

Posted in Anxiety, Blog, CHD, Children, Congenital heart defect, Health, heart kid, heart mom, heart warrior, mental health, mental illness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

To My Other Heart Mamas

She Nailed it right on the head.. I am struggling.. & no body sees it. Thank you.

loving life with Luca

I see you.

I see you wait patiently in the clinic for your ECHOs and EKGs. I see you slowly, carefully, peeling off all that sticky tape from your baby’s last Holter feeling so much guilt and praying you don’t hurt him. I know you’re thinking, “it’s not fair.” You’re right it’s not. But you keep pushing. You’re at every appointment, taking time off of work and time out of life, to sit and wait for someone to say that everything is OK, at least for right now.

I see you sitting at home, holding your little one who’s learning to smile and laugh and seems to everyone else like a perfectly normal, healthy baby. They don’t see that you pack a stethoscope into your diaper bag and a pulse ox in your stroller.   I know they don’t understand why you “freak out” every time he’s fussy. They don’t…

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